It feels like I am stuck in the most tortuous boredom. Everything is empty, everything is a chore, and it’s extremely lonely.
Nothing exciting to report
June 7, 2010Except perhaps that I’ve read a lot about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and I am pretty excited about it. I’ve got to find out if I can qualify for a bursary to help pay for it, though.
I have to keep telling myself: At least I don’t live in the States, things could cost a lot more.
Maybe…
May 29, 2010Maybe when my pdoc told me I should read some books on BPD, she told me not to read academic books for a reason. 
Stupid me, of course I go right for my uni library and start pulling books from the shelves. I look forward to being pigeon holed into the category of incurable, trouble some, intentionally difficult, and just a bad person who needs to snap out of it.
It’s not that I thought people with Pds were bad – I’ve met a few (in hospital) that were quite nice. I just try so hard to be good and helpful … a lot of the characterization makes me feel sad.
It’s also such a chronic thing, and something that isn’t supposed to respond to medications. At least if I had what was considered a worse mental illness, it would be seen as not my fault by people, i.e. schizophrenia. However, with this I feel like the whole world is telling me to suck it up and to stop being such a pussy.
Sorry if I offend…I’m just trying to come to grips with this all.
Sorry I’ve been gone so long…
May 28, 2010I had to deal with waiting for an assessment at the Canadian Center for Addiction and Mental Health, and then after that an appointment with my p.doc about the results.
Turns out I’m not going to Crazy Camp. In fact, it turns out I’m not crazy, just an asshole.
Ok, that’s not fair. No offense to people with personality disorders, it’s just the first thing that came to mind when the man told me I was probably more Borderline Personality Disorder than Bipolar. My p.doc said she had a suspicion. So now I’m both, on paper.
What does this mean? Starting from scratch. I’m off the valproic (haven’t been taking it anyways, too broke), still on cipralex and seroquel to sleep. I’m facing up to a year on a waiting list for DBT, unless I can get a bursary for a private therapist. And even then, there aren’t many in the city that do that sort of thing.
I was so looking forward to getting my life sorted out, and now it’s back to the beginning. Other then that I’ve been doing ok. I even have a new job, I have my 5th day tomorrow.
I promise to write more – I picked up a whole ton of books at my p.doc’s recommendation, hopefully I’ll have something interesting to say.
Lame
April 13, 2010Well, I’ve been hella crazy so I haven’t been doing much – let alone thinking about blogging. I have a date for an intake suitability interview on May 6th, so I guess I’ll just need to wait till then.
I plan on pencil and papering while I’m in there, so I’ll share my experiences once I get out. I hope everyone is doing well, and I’ll post when I have news.
Inpatient!
March 27, 2010Not the type when I can’t wait for other people to do stuff, the type where I go live in a hospital.
Yup. I’m on a waiting list for this: http://www.camh.net/About_CAMH/Guide_to_CAMH/Mental_Health_Programs/Mood_and_Anxiety_Program/guide_inpatient_unit.html
In one sense, it’s a relief. Maybe I’ll get some attention to the whole binge/purge thing as it’s currently my number one issue. Sure, the anxiety is shit – but maybe if I find healthier ways to cope it won’t be such an issue. It’ll give me a chance to be probed over by some of the best in the field of mood disorders and perhaps readjust the diagnoses. I’ve become quite accustomed to being Bipolar II, not Clinical Depression as a previous (and 10 years prior) hospitalization had given me. I’m not attached to it by any means though – I just want the words to fit a treatment that works. I know I’m not ok, I know it’s not just misbehavior for some devious reason, and I hope these people can help me fix it.
Hopefully they sort out the drug mess. I can’t imagine needing to be on so many. Maybe the sleep and weight will all just fall into place gracefully…Well, a girl can dream.
It’ll be my first time in hospital that wasn’t through the ER or ICU. I wonder how I can save my mother the heart attack in telling her. Suggestions?
Dr’s appointment today
March 25, 2010So… My doctor has finally thrown up her arms and given up. Well, not totally – but is sending me elsewhere for second opinions, etc. And she’s trying to get me into a day treatment program, so that I can get intensive care without being in hospital. I asked her to switch to cipralex from effexor – which is going to promise me a jolly month or so of withdrawal. Hopefully it will get me somewhere in terms of weight. I told her that if I hit 200lbs it was ”game over”.
I also scored some clonaxaplam, which is basically going to be my security blanket until I can get on the road to another assessment with someone more specialized. Not being able to control my feelings is spiraling me into a terrible mess. I’m vomiting at least once daily, twice on days when I work. I’m drinking like an idiot. Fingers crossed – let’s get this shit solved.
Giving Blood
March 18, 2010I think it’s kind of a joke, the idea of me giving blood. There is way too much shit in my system for that to happen. 
But I did do a blood test on Monday, and it went a little like this:
“Do you have a cat?”
“Yes…Oh no! Do I have cat hair on me?”
“There are all these scratches…” *Yanks arm around to look at them.*
“Heh…no, that’s the bipolar.” (I was there for Valproic Acid levels)
“What? You did this?!?”
Thanks, lady. I know I should have just kept my mouth shut. I felt I had to call her out for being rediculious. For the record, cat scratches don’t normally keloid.
